Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
