So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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