Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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