my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize