Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
