I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We need to get me chipped asap
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
