My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize