You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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