Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
