His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
