ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
