I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize