Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Welp...herpes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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