put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
