I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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