life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
