You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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