you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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