the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
