I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
