just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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