I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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