If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
