First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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