just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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