I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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