I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
