ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
