Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
