dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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