Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
