i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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