I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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