The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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