Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
