all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
