I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
