I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
