Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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