Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
