My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Im part way to drunk.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
