...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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