I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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