3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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