I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
