why do cheetos always look like penises
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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