thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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