i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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