Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
