Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
