Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
this hospital has no fireball
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
