if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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