your parents love me but you hate me
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
