go do what you do best...puke behind churches
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
