wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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