sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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