Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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