please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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