I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize