I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
